This is going to be hard.

The last few weeks have been rough. I've decided to ween off of my depression medication and give myself the opportunity to see if I have what it takes to live without them. For years I've lived a life I thought was full, and it hasn't been until recently that I've discovered there is so much more.

I was taking 75mg of Desvenlefaxine, I started taking one day off every 3 days, then 1 pill every other day, then cut them in half and started taking them every other day and so on until now, I've been off of the medication for 2 weeks. I have been supplementing with Vitamins A, D, C, St John's Wort, Passion Flower, and Fish Oil.  I've noticed substantial changes in my mood.

There have been such high highs, and such devastating lows but with all of it there is a realization that I am now prepared to handle all of me.

I truly believe in divine thought. That, to me, means I don't have an original thought in my head. Anything that is of great use to me, that seems contradictory to my being, to me, comes from outside myself. Let me see if I can explain. I had a thought, a moment, while I was doubled over crying, "This is going to be hard.." it said. The thought was not that I couldn't handle any of this, or that I was going to give in and cling to my meds or some other mind altering substances. The thought was that this is the path I am on, and it was going to be difficult. Not just difficult, but really fucking hard. And there will be times when I want to give up, there will be times when I will doubt myself, and scream and cry and want to run, and it will be really really fucking hard, did I say that already?