So, I've been in recovery from alcohol for the past few years now. I had a life I'm sure no one wanted, or, wants to know about. I had been using alcohol to glaze over, stuff deep down, get to sleep at night and reduce serious amounts of social anxiety. I came to AA looking for a way out. I wanted a place where I was able to be myself, no scratch that.. I didn't even know who I was. I guess I was searching for a solution to my problems, a way to feel comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to be okay with waking up in the morning. I found that and so much more in the rooms of AA. I found a sponsor who cared for me, friends who truly cared about how I was doing each day, and a community of people that cared about my sobriety. I'm not sure what happened, but I feel like now I've become jaded. Like maybe these people were faking it all along. That maybe I am not an alcoholic and I just needed a place to dry out for a bit. I feel like the friends I had made in AA were only putting on a facade. That maybe we were all just pretending to get along because we thought we had to. In short I feel like I've been kicked out of the club. Some series of events had occurred and now I feel like I don't belong with the same people I used to look to for guidance, friendship and advice. I asked my sponsor if I had done anything wrong, and she said no, not anything specific that she knew of. It all feels a bit like high school all over again.
I've never been very good at making friends. I'm much more the type to stay at home, hang out with the dogs and cats, maybe do some gardening... read.... I even started my own business where the majority of that time is spent alone, and the idea of getting out.. of networking is still terrifying to me.
Now, I'm not sure if this separation was actually brought on by other people or if it is all happening in my head. I'm okay with being alone, I'm okay with not having a lot of friends, I'm even okay with making friends and then knowing that over time we drift apart. What I am not okay with is how I tell myself that this is wrong. I'm not okay with the fact that I point the finger at myself and tell me I'm supposed to be more social, make more friends, make BETTER friends, make longer lasting friendships, because that is what normal people do.
I am just not that way. I think it has been so far engrained in me (by myself or societal standards) that we need to have these kinds of relationships, and that they need to look a certain way, and now I'm thinking I'm not so sure that this is the truth. I think I am the happiest when I can be nice with people, and they can be nice with me and when I can reserve my energy for the deep and dark moving conversations that I love so much with the people I love so much, whoever that may be.
Am I crazy? Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have trouble with this? The confidence, the lack of enthusiasm for being social? Does anyone else beat themselves up for not being as popular as the next woman, or not even wanting to be as popular as the next woman, and then get mad at themselves, for getting mad at themselves. I know it sounds pointless, and I agree it very much is, but like a lot of things having to do with depression, there is very little logic. Ideas, thoughts, actions, emotions can spiral out of control with no seeming sense of logic, but here we are. I am not, nor do I want to be everything to everyone. I am not nor do I want to be very popular. What I do want is to stop making myself feel bad for even thinking about these things.
Anyone?
Annie
